Living Close to an Insatiable Sweetness

This Summer kicked my butt.
This Fall I've been licking my wounds.
Now I get back up, step outside and show myself.
What was written in my last post has been, quite literally,
transcended and included (thanks Ken Wilber) into the new version of "me".

This Summer I reached the end of the rope that I have been stabilizing myself with for the last 10 years.
This Fall I have been gathering the materials to make a new rope that I will fling into the mysterious future.
Now I hope to hook onto the next most nourishing location, feed myself, and return home inside.

This Summer my sweet daughter was emancipated from a first experience of "rigid education institution", at the ripe age of 6, and kicks up her heels with the celebration of free creative expression again.
I laugh writing this: the irony of having this experience at age 6, and that my daughter can actually discern what is oppressive to her at such a young age.

This Fall my son, just turning 10, plunges into uncovering himself as an emerging boy-to-tween who is being exposed to yet another new school, with a new culture of rules, behaviors and preferences. His general modicum of expression is "What the @#$!! is "the norm'?"
I can sympathize with his question.
Now I write to bring deep roots and broader wings to the emerging "norm" inside myself.

It is a messy norm. It is an entangled norm.
It is a norm that yearns to be entered into and embraced from many doorways,
not a single narrow path.
It is a norm continuing to be nourished by living close to Self, living vulnerably, and honoring the space needed to live vulnerably close in.

Today, again, I write making a tribute three women I call my Sister Holy Trinity, who feed this Beloved Food Lovolution.

Tallulah Bleu, Gigi Wickwire, and Shannon Thompson are women who are - for me - "courage" in the truest sense of the word.
They live from the "coeur" - the heart - pulsing - contracting and expanding, constantly re-oxygenating their lives, and the lives of those they touch.
They have knocked the wind out of me, AND resuscitated me more times then I can count.
They are women who have been stripped down by grief and loss that could have easily made them recoil from living deeply.
Instead their passion for goodness and pleasure has them becoming ambassadoresses for Fierce Tenderness - role models for me and countless others.
It is almost impossible to put into words the love and respect I have for these women.

Last week these sister helped me hit a bedrock I've been digging for, for months.
Last week I got close enough to myself to acknowledge that I have had a resurgence of sugar-addiction, born out of imbalance, an insatiable need for sweetness in all areas of my life, and - quite physically - candida.

I spoke with each of them about it, and they midwifed the most intimate stuff I've written in a looooong time.
What follows is truly the gift of being received in the Invisible and Visible by these amazing friends.
It is a serious writing.
It is shared in hopes of bringing balance to the lives of everyone who reads it.
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I have finally awoken to a body knowing that I am courting myself, in relationship with myself, and everyone else is a mere expression of it.
Of course I have known this cognitively, but its never descended into my body until the floor of my willforce - my will to be 'saved' by something external - finally crumbled.

So, I am officially dating myself.
If I am dating myself, then I am also feeding myself.
If I am feeding myself for all the rest of the days here.....
then I'd better make sure i'm well.

The truth is i have systemic candida that is born out of an insatiable need for sweetness, and it won't go away until i crowd it out with sustainable sweetness.
Sustainable sweetness means radical self-care.
Radical self-care isn't fasting, cleansing and then feasting to 100% fullness.
It is allowing myself to be empty of external sweetness, a lot, and being with the fear it brings.
My body outside is a matter of my body inside.

If i am dating myself, i choose to be equally turned on by the life inside as i am by the life outside.
So, this turn on, this specialness, can never be satisfied by anything solely external, ongoingly.
It is satisfied by choosing to love everything - inside and outside - everyday.

My life, thus far, has been supported by imbalance: push to work hard all day, and then consume hard at night.
This has literally bred a fear of being gentle with myself, to be soft with myself, to allow for the Feminine to take me.

since i am a woman and a mother, i am Feminine, and need to claim this fully.
In my view to be Feminine is to open oneself and absorb it all.
That is why I am here, to absorb all of it, include it, and transcend it: to claim It and then be served by It - served with beloved food and pleasure.

Everyday I have a "plan" and everyday the plan has to be tossed to show up for what life is sending me. Every single day is like this.
Every single day is a joust with my control issues.

As I sit here writing this in a cafe, thrilled to have 2 whole hours to myself without pressing work, I am instantly drawn to an outdated 'reward' = coffee and a scone.
It is so simple yet so treacherous: treacherous because i love feeling good, and these foods will make me feel bad, instantly.
Coffee instantly throws off my thyroid, and gluten and sugar instantly give me headaches and mood swings.
It's a proven and reproven experience. Darnit.

So, I sit with this inside: this voice who says "feed me. I need you to feed me sweetness," and there is no reaching out.
There is only reaching in, and feeling the longing.
And damn it can be painful.

So I sit here and wait until this whole story passes.
I sit here until I can begin anew as someone who is listened to well, and listens well.
I sit here until I am someone who has a new story - a story of a girl who was always allowed to trust what good food was for me, was able to eat it, and was allowed to stop when I wanted to.
I sit here until I am someone who was encouraged to just "be", without feeling I needed to do anything to be loved.
That is not my past, but my past is now....past

Today I desire to live close in to vibrant pleasure, inside and out.
I am physically hungry and want to eat something, but am completely afraid at the same time: Afraid I cannot trust myself with my insatiability.
Insatiability is not pleasurable for me.
Sustainability is pleasureful, and has deep roots in being with Life in context - a context of the bigger picture - the bigger picture of the all living beings and how we affect each other's balance.

Can I trust the expanded part of me, beyond my stress-responding self, to provide the world with Ease and Grace through me?
Can I trust that to be "taken" by Sustainable Sweetness, and taken by Living Close In to Myself won't kill me?
And what does this mean about my roles in motherhood, marriage, work, and life beyond these circumscribing definitions?

The fear is that to live in Intimacy with the beloved food of "Divine", "Spirit", "God/Goddess"...all names that lead to living with Innocence, Curiousity, and unapologetic Enthusiasm about Life....
..to live with true Intimacy, the fear is that I would be incapable of performing my roles.
Yet performing my roles becomes an ironic "easy wrong choice" when an inner need calls out deeply.
And leaving my roles is an "easy wrong choice" when passion for Service calls to me deeply.

What becomes the beloved food today is, for me, the feminine face of God - the return to sweet Surrender that happens in the expansion and contraction, communion, sharing, laughing, crying, holding and carrying that is unique to women giving it up for what is greater then us - so that the world can be better for all living beings, for many generations to come.
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Perhaps this continuous exile I seek - like so many women I know - is the sweet, humble exit from fearing our Longing,
and knowing that there are many pathways to enter our Divinity.
I have picked innumerable pearls in mining the friendships with my Sister Holy Trinity.
Here are a few most precious gems. I hope they feed you well:
~there is only one direction to turn, toward Love.
~"sin" is an archery term, which means "missing the mark". If you miss, just try again.
~If you live by any unconscious idea of "sin" - enjoy the archery. Enjoy your bow, your arrow, cresting, caring for bow and arrow, aiming, seeing the target. In essence enjoy the ride.
and when in doubt
~Just love Harder.

Thank you Gigi, Tallulah, and Shannon for carrying me, diving with me, and flying with me. I am blessed beyond words to have you in my life.

I "brake" for Perfectionism...and Musings on a Mother's Day past

Days before Mother's Day, May 2010, is when I started writing this.
It's been in my "draft" box, due to embarrassing perfectionism - "not-quite-right-ism."
On Mother's Day 2010, I re-tore a ligament in my left knee and was confined to walking on crutches for a few weeks.
I'd had the same injury 3 times in two years.
I prided myself on being the queen of mindfulness, until this point.
I knew that knees represented "Integrity" in Chinese Medicine
I plunged into questioning the integrity of my whole nourishment.
The plunge took on many forms - one of them was an implosion in my marriage, this Summer.
From what I know, most every person I love dearly got a dose of big medicine this Summer, so here is the first of 2 windows into mine:
Here is what I wrote in the Spring:
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"Mother's Day"...it really makes me laugh.
Everyday should be Mothers day.
Why wouldn't every day, for every conscious life-loving human being, be Mother's day?
Why doesn't everyday contain a moment where each of us bow to Mother (in every form that manifests),
like Muslims bow to Mecca on the hour, as the mosques call out to Allah.
Why not? Is there ANY more brilliantly designed form that keeps life going on this planet?

I believe we are so afraid to honor Mother energy that we reduce it to the most miniscule experience of a day that offers special spa packages.
Don't get me wrong, I love spa packages.
However,
I think they should be discounted and celebrated for mothers every day of the year.

What I want is a moment everyday, in every house, where Mama-energy gets bowed to and appreciated for its
Unconditional Love,
Fierce Protectiveness,
Astute Observation and Proactivity,
Staggering Endurance,
and Delicious Ironic Humor.
And I want to add to this list.


I believe we are afraid to honor this because it is SO HUGE and SO LOVING, there would be nothing left to "do" but be in that energy, if we embraced it.
I think there is a right and collective fear that we would all "die" if we just started shoring up the greatest version of the grandest vision we have ever held of
Mother.
I don't know, just a humble opinion.
I know it scares the crud out of me to imagine....to give up all fight to get it "right".

That said, I now offer my Lovolution Food tribute:
my husband.
Yes, it is true.
He is Mama....and a man...very human,
and able to love unconditionally.

The Food? My husband's big hearted honesty.
I fell in love with his heart and mind.
As I write in the early hours of the morning, wearing his fleece jacket, clicking away at a computer he convinced me I would be happy we got - that he put together - and he was right about - I can hear the first stirrings of my son.

I know that if my son awakes and needs anything
I will jostle my husband
say "I'm writing a blog about you, could you please help out?"
and he will get up without the blink of an eye.

There are 2 truths here.
-the first truth: I wouldn't have even considered marrying a man who would stay in bed in the morning if I needed help, regardless of what life had going on the night before....because there is a knowing we are both mothering AND fathering our kids
-the second truth: he could care less that I am writing a blog tribute to him.

I chuckle thinking about it.

We had our first "date" in months the other night.
It was essentially a Summer planning meeting over hot wings and whiskey.
We then shared a labyrinthian fellow-Gemini jawing about our versions of
"life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness"
and what was revealed through it is what has me typing away about him right now.
That night I said to him "I want to write a tribute to you, in my blog, because this is more Food - more beloved nourishment - the places you and I can go in conversation."
He stared at me blankly.
I think his Physicist brain was trying to translate my words.
He could have easily said "what the hell did you just say?"
But he didn't, and I applaud him for that.
Instead I got
"Hey, listen. I am all for artistic license. You can write whatever you want. It's cool with me.".

We've been together for over 13 years, married for almost 12, and parents for almost 10.
I have more gray hairs and wrinkles and sags from this experience than my ego can ponder.
The the point -however- is to acknowlege the deep rite-of-passage that marriage and parenthood are.

They are rites of passage that will either exhault a person,
make one go insane,
or both.
It is why I honor my husband today.
He has been a doula to the birth of this Beloved Food baby,
this month: a birth that is messy and ecstatic.
Being truly well fed is not about being full all the time.
It is about knowing how to reach for the best nourishment at the best time,
and how to enjoy feeding yourself.

I get an "itch" every year.
It is an itch to "get out and live a free life" beyond the confines of the limited female-male monogamy.
Every year, my husband meets my cries and calls to go deeper.
So, this is why I honor him on Mother's Day, helping me to be born into the maturity of more Compassion and Patience, and helping to mother our 2 children.
In my view, this is definitely worth honoring everyday,
for myself, my marriage, my family, and my community.
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May 2010 seems like a light year in the past now.
So much has transpired in my home.
Layers of comfort have stripped away,
and I post this as a another course in the feast of Beloved Food.
It was been a Summer of digesting,
and Fall harvest has born the nourishment of sweet and bitter fruit.
All said, I look to my marriage today as my journey to the wild divine.